wow, so as a mom, i get to carry a baby for 9 months, which changes you. morning sickenss, changes you. have a baby, redefine myself as a mom, redefine myself as a partner, raise a child to school age, send said child to school for 6hrs a day, figure out what to with my new 6 hrs a day, remind myself of who i was before all of this and then redefine myself again, all that changes you…enter momlife crisis.
as i hang out on the playground chatting with my newfound kindergarten moms, i am realizing that i am not the only one, trying to figure out how to figure it all out. i know that a career change is in order because school takes up a lot of time and shooting weddings (which mostly happens on weekends) is not where i want to be while my family is doing something else. but what do i do? i am trying to be more intentional and slow this time around, “choosing” what i want to be when i grow up. i know that i am fortunate enough to have a supportive partner who wouldn’t mind me basking in the sun reading books for the next several months to figure some things out, but i also don’t want to feel guilty about not doing anything. and yes, i am still doing the brunt of the housekeeping, packing lunches, getting to and from school but i know that that is not enough for me to feel whole. and then this gem of a video above found its way to me via the interwebs and it has got me thinking (a ton) on how vunerable i actually am in my own life. moms are suppose to be this powerhouse, do all. be all. end all. pretend all, if all else fails. but i am finding more empowerment in the truth of it all, being authentic. i know that women put a lot of pressure on themselves to be (fill in the blank) and now i am seeing the pressures of being the “cool” mom at school; will i volunteer enough, is my sweater vintage enough, should i be wearing cute hunter wellies, can i make the best vegan, gluten free, nut free, fat free, sugar free cupcakes the world has ever known? whatever….is it enough? am i enough? i am i worthy enough to be flawed + imperfect + survive? the answer is, ‘yes’ but the process has just begun.
so if you’re wondering what i will be doing with my time now that miss beans is in school and i won’t be internet-ing, it’ll be a lot of soul searching. in end i hope to come out with a new sense of freedom that i have yet to discover, which i will pass down to lucy, so, (if/when) her children go off to school, she can forgo all this and just have a midweek mimosa without feeling guily, cause lord knows mama could use a cocktail!