For days I’ve been trying to write a post about the tenderness of my heart lately. Trying to find a minute here or there between meals, diaper changes and homeschooling to sit and write about moments like this when I feel a bit stuck or both over and underwhelmed with life. It seems like every year during this time when the skies are grey and love is in the air my heart seems to yearn for me to take over and create the life I have always dreamt of, not to say that parts of those dreams have not come true, they have, but the parts that are almost a fantasy, the goals that I have for myself that are almost so far fetched that I’m not even sure they can be reality.
I wanted to also share an image of what life is really like behind the scenes, as you can see my hair is pulled back, I am wearing a nursing tank, an oversized cardigan, have a bit of tinted moisturizer on and I have a babe strapped to my body as I type. This has become my uniform-sexless, functional and comfortable. Lucy is in the room behind me doing some research on the family computer for a paper she is writing. She comes in every 7-10 minutes to see what I am doing and ask a question. My mind then wanders around the internet to retrieve her answers, I lose train of all my own thoughts. All I need is time- to myself, with my marriage, with each of my daughters, time with girlfriends and time to focus on new work as I transition out of photography. My heart is being pulled in so many directions, its so easy to just lean out of it all and do nothing. Make dinner, straighten beds, clean up, go to swimming lessons and spend the night knitting and start things all over again in the morning.
I know most of this is winter talking, having a little baby and not having the desire to push myself a little bit harder. I know that these are normal feeling of motherhood. We’ve all been here, right?! A little lost, tired and waiting for the next phase in our own lives to begin. The images of what life should look like, feel like, dress like and be like. The things that are bought and sold to us to make us feel the ever building pressure to be better, richer, wiser, kinder, more mindful, mindless and do it all while fitting into the perfect pair of jeans with the right shade of red lipstick. I am too old for these things, for these games and hoops. These days my goals are simple: make the baby laugh without a tickle, sit and play with Lucy and engage in her conversations and to give the remainder of my time to Dave once we are alone. That’s about all I can do at this stage in life without totally overbooking myself and my family (I’m an all or nothing kinda gal), yet there is a yearning deep in my soul to push forward, to fight through the grey clouds and make it all happen. Then I all is see is late nights and way less sleep then I’m already getting.