Being mindful when things go to shit, now that’s the practice, right?! Being sleep deprived might be one of the most insane, unhealthiest, crazy inducing, monster making things that has ever happened in the history of parenting. I am in the deep, dark valley of it. This was the main reason Dave scheduled me a float last weekend, so I could get some rest and reap the benefits for the next few days. But while in my float two words kept coming up for me: jealous and open.
As I lay with those 2 words in the darkness of a tank they began to resonate with me, especially at a time when I am feeling angst about stepping into the next phase of life; the phase were I get to do the kind of work I feel I am called to do (more on that at a different time). I took them in, in the silence, in total darkness, alone. I began to see that I am in fact jealous. My life is filled by mothering, loving and nurturing other beings that I feel like I am sitting on the sidelines watching everyone make their own dreams come true. People who are changing careers or stepping into new transitions in their lives. People that can just go get it done! When are people finding the time to make it happen? How does one focus on oneself and not let other things go by the wayside? I am seeing people in real life, people in blog life, strangers on the internet and friends all around me making things happen for themselves, big things, life changing things. This is where my jealousy lies. I sat with it, let it penetrate my heart and waited for the answers.
Next: Open. I feel like I am an open book, ask anyone who knows me, or maybe the fact that I have a blog speaks to that. But what I realized I was being closed off to was what it is I am actually doing right now. I am making my dreams come true by being the kind of woman I have always envisioned and desired for my family. I am able to give them my time, fully and am learning a lot about myself through the process.I am doing some of the most important work of my life, letting my children discover who they are and meant to be. I already have this answer for myself. It may be not the way I have always defined success for myself, I tend to value notoriety and money as a measurement of achievement, but I can say with total conviction that I am a good mom, the kind of mom my children need me to be. I was being asked to be open to that fact that things take time, that this is part of my process. To be open to my family, to my baby who screams-because not only is she trying to figure out this world, she is trying to figure out who these people in her family are, what they mean and what the heck are they doing? To be kind to myself and to open myself to love, the kind of love that can only come from me. To be an open spirit and to let who I am now permeate through my entire being, letting it be enough.
When I take a look back and see the bigger picture of life- how certain things have lead me to where I am today, the lessons I’ve learned, the people I have helped and the folks around me that fully love and support me- I realize that yes, I am making my dreams come true. They may feel like baby steps right now but there have been some big fearless leaps that I should pride myself in taking. And sometimes one task cannot be done till the other is complete.